Before I start, it’s important to mention that I’m not a psychologist or doctor, nor do I have any experience working in the medical field (luckily for the people of the UK, I got a D in science at GCSE), so if you are experiencing poor mental health, you should definitely consult a medical professional. I’m Ashleigh, Arc’s Senior Marketing and Communications Manager, and for Mental Health Awareness Week, I want to share my own story with depression and anxiety in hopes that it can help others, or at least let them know that they’re not alone.

My story with mental health started when I was just 14 years old. At the risk of sounding like an ancient millennial, back then, mental health wasn’t really a thing like it is today, so much so that I didn’t even realise that I had depression; I just knew I felt very different from how I used to, and not in a good way. Although I don’t feel too comfortable sharing the full details about the experience that was the catalyst for all my mental health issues, I will say that it did involve knife crime, and although I was physically unhurt, the damage it caused to my mental health was immense.

Back then, in the late 2000s, mental health was pretty much invisible, or at least it was for me as a teenager. I don’t recall any lessons on mental health in school; it wasn’t shown on TV or in magazines, at least in an educational way. I remember plenty of exposés on celebrities who were living with the likes of bipolar disorder, addictions, or eating disorders, but rather than showing them as human beings who were suffering from a mental health condition, they were completely and utterly vilified by the press.

Instead of using their experiences to highlight mental health, the press had an insatiable appetite to paint a very negative image of selfish, out-of-control, purposely difficult people desperate for attention, thus adding to the stigma of those living with mental health issues.

It was because of this lack of exposure and positive conversation about mental health that I didn’t understand what I was suffering from; I didn’t know where to go or how to convey how I felt, and so I didn’t.

In the immediate aftermath, I started having night terrors and screaming in my sleep. I would be so terrified to go out around the area where the incident happened that I would be on the floor of the car when travelling through. In school, I hardly spoke for fear it would come up in conversation, and after school, I stopped socialising with my friends. I went from being happy – a little shy but sassy – to a quivering wreck overnight. I began to spiral very quickly. I was withdrawn, fearful, and overwhelmed with sadness. Looking back with more awareness of mental health, I was probably suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but without any intervention, it was left untreated and became a chronic issue.

The darkness of depression cannot be underestimated; it’s a feeling of immense sadness, the type that you feel within the deepest part of your gut. It’s genuine despair and fear of being unable to escape, like you’re in a sinkhole, being able to see the light but not knowing how to get there. It’s a strange numbness of feeling absolutely nothing – not happy or sad – just pure emptiness that echoes throughout your body. It’s a vicious battle within your own mind every single day, and it’s exhausting.

This is where my first suggestion comes in: talk. Please talk. Talk, talk, and don’t stop talking, whether that’s to a friend, family member, teacher, colleague, doctor, or even online help such as www.samartians.org.

I never talked to anyone about how I was feeling, and eventually, when I opened up years later, my family said that they had no idea at all what I went through. Despite how glaringly obvious it was to me just how much I had changed, my family had put it down to me just being shy, and eventually it became my personality. It became so normal that it didn’t cause alarm in others around me. This is why it’s so important to know that you must take that step towards getting help.

My second suggestion is to write down all your thoughts and feelings down on paper. Sometimes, when your mind is loud, writing simply helps to get what’s inside your head out. You don’t need to articulate it in a way that’s easy for others to understand or worry about how it’s perceived; you can just let it out.

After a good four years of solid depression, I somehow managed to sweep it under the carpet while I was at university. I started getting my confidence back; I could go out without worrying about looking over my shoulder every minute, and I had a good social life. However, leaving its bubble and trying to navigate the real world caused a resurgence of my depression and anxiety.

I walked out of two jobs consecutively; my mental health issues had made me a highly anxious, emotional, and negative person, which didn’t exactly suit the cutthroat world of sales or any workplace for that matter. Because my mind was full of anxiety, I didn’t have much capacity to handle anything remotely negative or stressful, and doing so would push me over the edge and draw me back into a dark place. This can be shown in the stress bucket example.

So, around the age of 22, I went to the doctor’s office to get some help. This was a big step for me. I was very nervous about the treatment because of the stigma surrounding antidepressants, but I knew that I had to go. I told him how I struggled with depression and anxiety, and the doctor began reeling off things that I should be happy about: I had recently graduated, I was young, I was healthy, etc., and I was instantly cured of all my mental health issues. NOT.

via GIPHY

For anyone who is reading this as an ally, this is exactly how you don’t approach someone who is opening up to you about their mental struggles, because, quite frankly, it makes them feel ten times worse. When someone is suffering from poor mental health, it’s not a choice; they don’t decide to ignore all the good things in their life and choose negativity. You could have everything in the world and still experience poor physical health; the same holds true with mental health too.

Although he wasn’t all that bad, he did start me on a course of anti-depressants and referred me to CBT. It was this appointment that really changed my life because I started to get help and I started to take control of my mental health.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a type of talking therapy that helps you change the way you think by identifying your thinking styles and providing you with the tools to address triggering situations in a more effective way. You can learn more about CBT here: Overview – Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) – NHS (www.nhs.uk)

I did a six-week course online with a telephone consultation with a therapist each week. I first learnt about my negative thought patterns, otherwise known as cognitive distortions. Understanding my thought patterns helped unlock coping mechanisms that would allow me to take control of my mind. I had to do daily exercises with worksheets, but I didn’t really feel any different until a few weeks later, when I had a situation in my new job that usually would have made me crumble, cry, and probably people please for the rest of my days there. However, I was as cool as a cucumber; I could see clearly in my mind where my mistake had been and was able to communicate it across and accept responsibility without that internal dread and continuous overthinking.

This is when I knew it was working, and I became so passionate about positive thinking and mindset. I knew that with work, you could completely change your whole mindset. CBT combined with my antidepressants was, thankfully, a winning combination for me.

It’s important that if you are feeling depressed or anxious, you speak to a medical professional. There are many different forms of therapy out there, and what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another. It can be a case of trial and error before you find what works for you. I had to go through three different antidepressants before I found ones that suited me, so if something is not working, don’t give up on the first hurdle.

How I Manage My Mental Health 

Even though I’m currently not suffering from anxiety or depression, it’s always in the back of my mind that it could rear its ugly head at any given moment. Like people who go to the gym to stay physically fit, I have to continuously work on my mental health to keep it in good shape.

I Talk and Share My Feelings 

I’m the world’s biggest oversharer (as you can probably tell if you’ve gotten this far), but I have to be. I spent so many years not talking about my mental health. When I did, I began to heal. I understand the power of speaking up, so when I’m feeling anxious or having a bad day, I tell those around me. I speak about it in the same way I would if I had a cold or a headache. They say a problem shared is a problem halved, and it’s true; just letting those around me know that I may not be 100% that day relieves the pressure.

Like I said earlier, I would encourage anyone who is suffering to speak to someone. Whether that’s a person who you know and trust or an external person or body such as www.samartians.org. They offer phone calls, emails, letters, online chat, and even face-to-face help with one of their volunteers.

I Can’t Relax Like a “Normal” Person

A relaxing break in the middle of nowhere, cut off from civilisation with just your thoughts, may sound like heaven to most. To me, this would be the worst possible thing I could do for my mental health because if I give my mind time to think, it thinks a lot and it’s prone to negative thoughts.

My version of relaxing would probably look like an action-packed adventure holiday to others. I like to socialise and fill my free time with lots of plans, visiting family, going out with friends, organising trips, going to the theatre, and spending time with my Yorkipoo, George.

It’s important for you to get to know yourself and what works for you. Relaxing means different things to different people, so if you don’t feel good after a quiet walk alone or reading a book, you may want to explore alternative methods.

I Look Out For Signs and Triggers

I’ve dealt with it long enough now to know when I’m about to enter a period of depression. I know what signs to look out for, and I also know what can trigger me. When I spot one of the signs, I start addressing them. The first thing I do is tell someone close to me and speak about what I think has caused it. If I feel that it’s getting too much for me to handle alone, I’ll go to the doctor and request a course of antidepressants.

It’s a good idea for you to keep track of your own mental health. You can do this by keeping a diary. You may find a pattern that may help you identify your triggers, allowing you to eliminate or reduce their frequency.

I Practice CBT and Positive Thinking 

I’m naturally a very negative person. Ask anyone around me, and they’ll be shocked at that. I come across as really positive, and I am now because I changed the way I think. This was no easy feat; it took a hell of a lot of work for me, but it was the best thing I ever did. You may be taking a course of CBT sessions but it’s not something that stops when the course ends. You must continue working on the tasks that help you.

Sometimes, I Stay in Bed

Unpopular opinion: When you’re suffering from depression, I think it’s ok to have a few days when you stay in bed. I listen to my body, and when I’m in a dark space, it tells me that I need to allow it to feel sad, and I know that I need to give myself the time and space to express that emotion. Of course, too much of this isn’t healthy, but just like with a physical illness, sometimes I think you just need to rest.

I Take Time to Worry

One thing CBT taught me was doing something called “worry walks” and this is a task to allow you to set time aside to think about your worries. I’ll take a worry walk and allow my mind to think about the issues that are making me anxious but when I get back home, I’m not allowed to think of it anymore. This takes a lot of work to master but once you do it, it prevents your mind from being in a constant state of worry or negativity. My little George and I often go to the beach or the forest for them!

I Ride the Waves Through It

Finally, during times when I’m experiencing poor mental health, I simply accept. I accept that I will feel horribly negative feelings and thoughts. I will accept that I won’t feel myself for a while. I will also accept that it will end. I ride the waves through it because I know that this too shall pass.

I want to finish with some words of encouragement. Even if I was given the opportunity to erase my memory of my experience with depression, I wouldn’t. It’s something I’ve thought about over and over – how my life would look or what type of person I’d be if I’d never experienced it. You tend to look through rose-tinted glasses when you do this, but the truth is, you’ll never truly know how life would have looked.

What I do know, however, is that I am who I am today because of that experience, and I’m very proud of the person I’ve become. When you experience that darkness and go for weeks, months, or years without experiencing happiness, it can feel like it’s never going to end, but it does. When you emerge from that dark place, you have a whole new appreciation for life, and I believe you have the superpower to see beauty in things that others simply can’t.

Resources:

Mental health services – NHS (www.nhs.uk)

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/

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